New Study Finds Keto Diet Turns You Into Human Crisco, Scientists Shocked Anyone Thought This Was a Good Idea
In breaking news that will make you question your dietary choices more than ever, a recent study from UT Health San Antonio has discovered that a long-term ketogenic diet leads to the accumulation of aged cells, affecting heart and kidney function. But here's the kicker: the 'ketogenic diet' used in the study consisted mainly of Crisco. Yes, the very same Crisco that sits in your grandma's pantry.research study that dared to ask the question, 'What if we fed mice 90% Crisco and called it a keto diet?' has left scientists and dietitians alike scratching their heads. 'Isn't cookie dough a major food group in the keto community?', wondered Dr. Atkins, who was unavailable for sensible comments. After 21 days on this lycra-stretching regimen, the mice were reportedly euthanized, though sources claim they requested the sweet release of death after the first bite.In an exclusive interview, one scientist revealed, 'We needed lab results, and Crisco is just really cheap. Plus, we lost the grant money on a bad Bitcoin investment.' Meanwhile, users on Reddit's r/science appear as baffled as the mice. 'I swear whenever I read something about keto, I come away thinking that either I will die in a day if I don't eat keto or I will die in a day if I do eat keto,' lamented one user, who probably looked at their avocado toast with newfound suspicion.Others took a more critical approach. 'The full study used Crisco 90% fat-based diet. This is far from what people normally consume. Take that as you will,' read one highly upvoted comment, subtly roasting the study right along with the Crisco-basted lab rats. Indeed, the use of hydrogenated vegetable shortening as the primary fat source has many questioning the study's legitimacy. 'They used Crisco vegetable shortening! Can't see how this is reflective of a 'ketogenic diet,' remarked a skeptical commenter.As the debate rages on, one fact remains clear: if you're relying on Crisco for your ketogenic diet, your heart and kidneys will likely file for divorce. And as researchers continue to navigate the fats and fallacies of dietary sciences, let's all take a moment to appreciate that, for better or worse, at least we’re not lab rats.
In breaking news that will make you question your dietary choices more than ever, a recent study from UT Health San Antonio has discovered that a long-term ketogenic diet leads to the accumulation of aged cells, affecting heart and kidney function. But here's the kicker: the 'ketogenic diet' used in the study consisted mainly of Crisco. Yes, the very same Crisco that sits in your grandma's pantry.research study that dared to ask the question, 'What if we fed mice 90% Crisco and called it a keto diet?' has left scientists and dietitians alike scratching their heads. 'Isn't cookie dough a major food group in the keto community?', wondered Dr. Atkins, who was unavailable for sensible comments. After 21 days on this lycra-stretching regimen, the mice were reportedly euthanized, though sources claim they requested the sweet release of death after the first bite.In an exclusive interview, one scientist revealed, 'We needed lab results, and Crisco is just really cheap. Plus, we lost the grant money on a bad Bitcoin investment.' Meanwhile, users on Reddit's r/science appear as baffled as the mice. 'I swear whenever I read something about keto, I come away thinking that either I will die in a day if I don't eat keto or I will die in a day if I do eat keto,' lamented one user, who probably looked at their avocado toast with newfound suspicion.Others took a more critical approach. 'The full study used Crisco 90% fat-based diet. This is far from what people normally consume. Take that as you will,' read one highly upvoted comment, subtly roasting the study right along with the Crisco-basted lab rats. Indeed, the use of hydrogenated vegetable shortening as the primary fat source has many questioning the study's legitimacy. 'They used Crisco vegetable shortening! Can't see how this is reflective of a 'ketogenic diet,' remarked a skeptical commenter.As the debate rages on, one fact remains clear: if you're relying on Crisco for your ketogenic diet, your heart and kidneys will likely file for divorce. And as researchers continue to navigate the fats and fallacies of dietary sciences, let's all take a moment to appreciate that, for better or worse, at least we’re not lab rats.